A supplemental essay gets a makeover
I was working with a student on one of their supplemental essays, and I was struck by the essay’s exponential improvement after a single revision and some edits. I asked Stevie if I could share their essay with the world, and they said yes!
I will show you the before and after and then explain the process.
The essay question, from Mount Holyoke:
Every day, our students cultivate the competence, confidence and courage to make an impact — whether on a personal, community or global level. Tell us about the context in which you have grown up, what forms your aspirations and how your community has shaped your outlook. (250-400 words)
Rough draft:
I’ve been lucky to grow up in a very accepting community. My parents taught me from a very young age to treat others with kindness no matter how different they are. They were always supportive of me, and made sure to educate me on what was going on in the world. I’ve also had an amazing group of friends ever since I moved to Westfield. It is a progressive town that supports diversity and equality, and I’ve felt that in my time here. My friends and I would always visit the GSA at lunch time. We would share our own experiences, laugh and tell jokes and even participate in events on the day of dialogue. This vibrant community of queer friends helped me discover my own identity, and I’ve never once felt ashamed of who I am. Growing up in this environment has made me realize how important it is to be accepting of everyone. I’m so grateful for the loving community I grew up with. I think it shaped me into the person I am today, and I don’t think I’d have the confidence to seek out my own identity without it.
Final draft:
I’ve been lucky to grow up in a community that is accepting of all gender and sexual identities. From a young age my parents were already trying to teach me that not everyone fits within such strict binary definitions. They read me a novel called Melissa by Alex Gino, which tells the story of a fourth grade transgender girl. This was one of my first memories of learning about the LGBTQ community, and it taught me these identities are valid and deserve my respect.
This foundation of love and acceptance was further amplified when I moved to Westfield in fifth grade. It is a progressive town that supports diversity and equality; you’ll see pride flags in every store, rainbow-colored sidewalks, and the high school even hosts special days where normal classes are replaced with lessons on marginalized identities. My close circle shares this openness to discussing identity. In middle school I was able to find a mostly queer friend group, which gave all of us a safe space to explore our identities. We would discuss the struggles of coming out to our families, share which labels we felt fit us best, and participate in countless GSA events. All this discussion of queerness made me start to view myself in a new light. I began to wonder where I fit in this sea of identities, and through a few conversations with my friends I was able to realize my asexuality. Without the culture of openness surrounding these topics, I don’t think this would have come as naturally as it did. I was given the opportunity to explore all sorts of identities without the fear of being ostracized by the people close to me.
My town definitely isn’t perfect. I’ll still overhear homophobic comments at school, and fear judgement when I introduce my pronouns as they/them. However, I know I have a support system to fall back on, where I can be myself without fear of rejection. I believe I wouldn’t have had such an overall positive experience with my identity were it not for the amount of exposure I had, so I’m looking to continue engaging with the queer community in college. It's important to have these safe spaces, so that no matter what struggles I face in life I know there will always be a place where I’m loved and accepted.
Wow!!! Am I right? My goodness! Stevie did an absolute hell of a job.
Here’s how we made it happen.
At first, they felt like they did not have enough to say, and the rough draft turned out below 250 words, the minimum required. But this was not an issue. The rough draft is a jumping-off point, and it doesn’t matter how long or how elegant it turns out. As long as students write something thoughtful and genuine, we can build from there.
When Stevie and I met to discuss the draft and generate ideas for revision, I prompted them to think of specific details to illustrate the story, and I suggested a way for them to add complexity and nuance to the narrative. As we talked, it was clear they had a ton of ideas.
After the too-short rough draft, they brought me a second draft that was excellent but too long. This part can be quite challenging, even painstaking, so we worked together to cut unnecessary language and get it down to 400 words.
Navigating the writing process requires resilience and determination. It is a privilege to support students like Stevie as they develop their ideas, transform their writing from ugly duckling (affectionate) to beautiful swan, and then perform advanced calculations to fit the beautiful swan into the permitted number of words.
Thank you to Stevie letting me share their work and for doing such excellent an excellent job.